


letting my golden chances pass me by

by rikacain



Category: Mission: Impossible, Mission: Impossible (Movies)
Genre: And other minor blink and you miss mentions, Childhood Friends, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-12-14 13:18:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11783961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rikacain/pseuds/rikacain
Summary: The childhood AU nobody asked for.





	letting my golden chances pass me by

**Author's Note:**

> So this has been in my drafts for the past two years, and the most I've ever written for Mission Impossible.
> 
> Benji and Brandt was actually my first ship for this fandom, and while my other fics were mostly Ethan/Benji I definitely liked Will/Benji. Just never got around to posting 'em.
> 
> Shout out and thanks to Meri, who has been a great beta and infinitely supporting when I was writing this.
> 
> I won't mark this as complete, because I want to see it finished (maybe in time for MI6), but the last part won't be updated any time soon.

"You talk funny," someone announces over his shoulder.

Benji turns around to look at this interloper, abandoning his tower of brightly coloured blocks. A boy frowns at him, his pudgy arms crossed over his chest, but mostly Benji's attention is drawn to the Batman on his shirt.

Benji likes Batman.

"You talk funny," the boy repeats himself, and Benji realises belatedly that oh, he's talking to him.

"Maybe _you_ talk funny," he says, because everyone does, no one talks like his Mum and Dad does. The boy blinks, scrunching up his nose.

"Maybe I do," he agrees before sitting down next to Benji. “Move over, I wanna play too,” and Benji scrambles a bit to the side.

They build a tower five blocks tall, and in the process of an afternoon their friendship. Benji learns Will’s name after.

* * *

He grows up calling Will his best friend, and Will calls Benji his too.

They live a street away from each other, which makes for rather frequent sleepovers. Benji enthusiastically shares his collection of video games with Will, and Will lets Benji poke through his figurines and comics. Sometimes, Will will even eat Benji's carrots for him, if Benji asks him enough times.

They pick each other for projects, hang out with each other during their breaks and and on one occasion, get stuck up a tree together. The ground looked so far away then and Benji wanted to cry, but Will was up there too and maybe it'll be okay if they stayed up there if Will didn't fall down first.

"We could build a treehouse up here," Benji had said, shivering next to Will on the branch. "Live among the trees."

"They're gonna find us, Benji," Will had replied, serious and solemn. "Also, we can't build a house without glue."

Will's mum came looking for them and got them down after that. They also got grounded, but only for a day.

Benji is there when Will breaks his leg jumping off from the roof when he tries his Batman cape, which should fly because it's Batman’s. Will is there when Benji gets pushed down in the playground by a bunch of sixth graders, and they both get detention for the ensuing scuffle that follows. They join the football ( _soccer_ , Will says exasperatedly with the stubbornness of a ten years old who is convinced he’s right) team and drop out of it together when Benji flubs more goals than he scores them.

 _Thick as thieves_ , Dad calls them, and they grin at each other, faces grimy with dirt from playing tag.

Those days last an eternity.

* * *

Everything changes in high school.

Benji hits puberty first, his body stocky and his face freckled, with a smattering of acne across his cheeks. The teachers pick him when they want a quick answer to their questions, and the girls laugh at him behind his back. He gets very well acquainted with the cold darkness of a locker every other evening, and defeat gains a bitter aftertaste when Will comes by to let him out of his prison.

Will gets a girlfriend.

Her name is Anne and she likes Avril Lavigne and Benji sees her attached to Will for the entirety of one month before she returns to sulk with her other friends at their lunch table. He frowns at Will after she shoots the both of them a glare too many, raising his eyebrow in a silent question as they eat the mystery meat of the week.

“I’m gay,” Will says, his shoulder rising once in a nonchalant shrug. There’s something tense in his eyes, but Benji has had six years of Will’s friendship and he’s not stupid enough to alienate his best and only friend.

“Cool,” he says instead, because who cares if Will likes guys. “I can be your wingman for you, just tell me which dude,” and Will cracks a small smile at him.

So Will starts ending up in lockers along with Benji, although he’s a bit better at avoiding bullies than Benji is. Which is why it is a good thing that Benji meets Jane when he did, Jane who is three years older than him and scarily smart. She’s the head of Robotic Clubs and also dating Trevor Hanaway, resident loner, which is amazing because in high school politics, no one can date the loner.

“You can always hide out here,” she tells him, “just join the next Robotics national competition with me."

It’s a sweet deal because no one crosses Jane Carter in this school, and Benji all but jumps at it.

“Can my friend hide out here too,” he asks before he plunges himself into what might be too good a deal.

“Sure,” she shrugs, and Benji is _sold_.

They meet up in the third floor classrooms and Benji gets to meddle with robots, which is more than he could ever ask for compared to staring at the inside of his locker’s door. Will helps out sometimes, pointing out a much better design when Benji gets too carried away in his mad scientist ramblings, but otherwise keeps Trevor’s solitary company. Trevor doesn’t seem to mind, at any rate.

“Sweet,” Benji cheers when the robot finally hangs upside down from the ceiling, giving Will an enthusiastic fist-bump and pulling him into a hug, which is an awkward fit considering how Benji is taller than Will by ten centimeters. Will pats him gingerly on the back.

They get a good rhythm going, Benji and Will and Jane and Trevor, and Benji thinks that maybe, just maybe he can survive the next three years of high school.

* * *

Two weeks into the new semester, Trevor dies.

It’s so sudden, so abrupt - Benji had never talked to the other boy much outside of greeting him and offering him snacks but he was there one day and gone the next, lost forever in a car crash. Trevor had been joyriding with his brother, and a patch of ice later they had slammed into a tree. His brother survived. Trevor did not.

The funeral they go to is somber, Benji and Will standing next to Jane as she stares into the grave where Trevor’s decomposing body would be placed into. Benji privately thinks it should be raining, but whoever is in charge of the weather is a bitch and the sun relentlessly shines down at them, as if it is mocking the mourners for their sadness when they could be out frolicking in the hills or whatever it is that Maria from The Sound of Music does. He reaches down to squeeze at Will’s hand, and Will squeezes back.

The weeks after that are almost a disaster. The room grows suffocating with Trevor’s absence and they tiptoe around Jane, whose grief is rolling off her back in spades. Their robot is left in a corner as Jane stares motionless out of the window, and Benji doesn’t know Jane well enough to give her the words of comfort that she should hear.

Will tells him one day, “I can’t go back in there anymore."

They both know where ‘there’ is, and Benji nods solemnly. They share the rest of their lunch in silence, and after the school bell rings Benji trudges into the room, alone with Jane and the ghost of Trevor Hanaway.

* * *

There is a new transfer student, all the way from New York.

The students whisper about him as he walks down the corridors, noting his confident stride and his devil-may-care attitude. The cliques of girls bat their eyelashes and the jocks talk about convincing him to join their sport teams. The bullies had tried to accost him at one point, perhaps to literally beat home the hierarchy within the school.

They hadn’t been successful, and they’ve left him alone ever since.

Still, Benji and Will had developed a routine of _don’t attract attention_ and _avoid the bullies_ over the year, so they don’t pay much attention to the transfer student. The most they’ve ever wondered is whether New York was different from their town, which at the very least is a definite yes.

“It’s much bigger,” Will says to Benji. “Of course it must be different. They have _trains_."

“But it could just be a much bigger version of this town,” Benji retorts, waving a ketchup-drenched chip in front of Will. Will scowls at the soggy stick of potato being thrust into his face. “Like how an upsize means more Coke and chips."

“Fries,” Will corrects automatically, and Benji smirks because he knows Will will correct him whenever he speaks like someone from over the pond. He hasn’t lost his accent, surprisingly, though it might have to do with his parents refusing to adopt any American accent of any region. They get into another regular debate of whether someone from a different country ( _you’re American, it says so on your ID,_ Will would say) should use the foreign country’s way of referring to things ( _Me parents are English, therefore I am English,_ Benji would reply, putting on an even posher accent), abandoning their ideas of what a bigger city might look like.

So it’s pretty much a surprise when one day, when Jane decides that she would go home instead of opening up the room for Benji to hide out in and the bullies decide to revisit a familiar target, Benji actually meets the transfer student face to face.

“Ethan,” the transfer student introduces himself after the bullies run off with their tails between their legs. Benji nods in awe, his mind still replaying on infinite loop how Ethan threw Yaris off Benji when the jock was pressing him up against the lockers. “You are…?"

“Benji,” Benji blurts out. “Benji Dunn. You’re the transfer student. Thanks,” he adds belatedly.

“You’re British,” Ethan says, surprise coloring his face.

“My parents are,” Benji corrects him, his words tumbling out in a free-for-all speech, “I’m actually a born-and-bred American, I can prove it to you - _I love freedom and fries and American apple pie_ , do I pass the test?"

The transfer student just looks barely bemused now, and Benji thinks _great, I cocked it all up, way to embarrass yourself,_ only to be surprised himself when Ethan snorts out what seems to be laughter.

“I guess you do,” Ethan says, grinning and Benji involuntarily sees the way the corner of his eyes crinkle up when he smiles.

He thinks he might just be in love.

* * *

It gets a bit weird after that - Will immediately catches onto his new crush, which is very much different from the crush he had on Uhura from Star Trek, thank you very much. It probably also has to do with how Ethan decides that their lunch table is an acceptable place to sit during break.

They learn that Ethan’s mother wanted away from city life, and that New York is very much different from their town ( _I told you so_ , Will nudges Benji and Benji sticks his tongue out back at him). Ethan learns that Will is Benji’s best friend and that Will is in the archery club.

“You’re in the archery club?” Ethan had asked, impressed.

“We have an archery club?” Benji had asked, confused.

Will shrugs. “I had to hide out somewhere,” he tells Benji almost apologetically, and Benji sneaks a peek over at Jane, a few tables away with her friends.

The lunch periods are amiable enough, which is made even more amazing when Ethan joins the Martial Arts Club and still chooses to sit with them. No, what makes it weird is Will.

Benji knows that his crush on Ethan is more than obvious to anybody with eyes, but he’s also sure that Ethan wouldn’t recognize his affections even if Benji strips naked and kisses him full on the mouth. He’d probably think it was some British culture thing, even. But Will is always looking at him askance, like he's unsure of how to deal with this stranger who looks like his best friend, and he downright glowers at Ethan when he thinks that neither of them are looking.

“For goodness’ sake, Will,” Benji finally snaps one day when they’re having their weekend hang-out in Will’s room, which is usually spent poring over comics. “I know I didn’t make a huge announcement like you did last year, what’s your damage?"

Will stares at him, slightly shocked, and Benji is starting to feel like he had kicked a puppy when Will mumbles, “I thought you liked Jane."

Benji splutters.

“What,” he says emphatically.

“I thought,” Will says, a bit defensively, and Benji holds his hands up, dropping the latest issue of The Avengers onto Will’s carpet.

“You thought what?” Benji repeats, disbelieving.

“You liked Jane,” Will says forcefully. “Well, I’m wrong, so."

“Damn right you are,” Benji mutters, his cheeks reddening in an unwarranted blush. “Now you know."

It doesn’t explain why he’s still glaring at Ethan though, but Benji decides not to pursue that. Some things, he has learnt, are better left unknown.

* * *

Jane finally picks up the robot they had deserted in a corner months ago, only in pristine condition due to Benji dusting it off and reworking codes on his own. She stares at it, her mouth set in grim determination.

“Let’s win this thing,” she finally mutters.

* * *

They don’t win the regionals, but they get second place, and Benji considers that good enough.

Jane throws her arms around him and he hugs her back just as tightly, reveling in how alive she feels after the months of her existing like a presence barely there in the room. The audience cheers, and Benji can see Will waving furiously at him, a huge grin splitting his best friend’s face.

“Thank you,” Jane whispers into his hair, and it’s more than gratitude for accepting the partnership she offered a year ago. Benji takes a deep breath.

“Trevor would have been proud,” he says softly, and she shudders in his arms, stifling a sob.

“He would have,” she agrees wetly, and all Benji can feel is relief.

* * *

Jane graduates, and asks him to prom. He sees it for the platonic gesture it is and agrees. He does what he thinks Trevor would have done, corsage and tuxedo and all and Will helps, picking out what goes best with whichever, and at the end of the night he presses a kiss to her hair and wishes her the best in Harvard.

His parents decides that they want to send him to England to Aunt Muriel’s for summer, and he says a few choice swear words to the point where they all but force him onto the plane. Will sends him off, tagging along with his very disgruntled family.

“It’s just two months,” he says, “besides, you’re going to be back in your homeland."

“Fuck you,” Benji says without any real heat to his mother’s disapproving squeal of, “Benjamin!” and his father’s warning grunt of “language."

Will slaps him on the shoulder.

“Everything is going to be the same here when you come back,” he tells Benji. “Go eat haggis for me."

“In your dreams, Brandt,” he says, but he’s smiling and waving as he boards the plane.

* * *

Everything is not the same.

Summer is alright after he gets over the whole resentment at his family for shipping him across the pond. Aunt Muriel is far from senile, and he finds that her daughter Ilsa likes him as much as he wants to be here, at least up until he manages to fix her car’s engine for her. She’s a little bit more accepting of him then.

(He does actually get to eat haggis, which is an experience in of itself, and snapchats Will his face while doing so. He also snapchats Ilsa's unimpressed face as she chows down a whole plate of it. Ilsa's probably the most English person he's ever met, stiff upper lip and what not.)

At the end of the summer, Ilsa actually deigns to send him off at the Heathrow airport, and makes vague allusions to visiting him someday. If that isn't friendship, he doesn't know what is.

When he comes back, it’s one day before school starts and he doesn’t get to call Will that he’s back. At most he sends him and Jane a text, before sending Ethan a more specifically casual text. He gets a ‘welcome back’ from Jane, and a ‘how was your country’ from Ethan, but nothing from Will.

Will must be asleep, he reasons to himself. He’ll see him tomorrow at school, anyway.

So it comes as a huge surprise when he bumps into Will the next morning, and Will stares down at him when two months ago he was staring up at Benji. He’s also somewhat more muscular, more well-filled out compared to the pudgy baby fat he had.

He could say that his best friend has become, for the lack of a better word, hot.

“Will?” Benji says incredulously.

“Benji,” Will nods jerkily, before hurrying into Chemistry and inserting himself at the back between two jocks. Benji has enough self-preservation to not ask them to move, and takes a seat next to a girl named Zhen instead.

He tries to catch Will in between classes, but Will has always been more athletic than him and manages to escape before Benji could even utter a word. _Come lunch he’d have to talk to me_ , Benji thinks determinedly.

Come lunch Benji grabs his lunch tray and sits at their table, the table they have been sitting at for two years, and waits, only to see Will grab his lunch tray and sit with Declan, who accepts Will into his fold easily. Benji stares as Will cracks a grin and talks with the rest of the table, conversation flowing easy and loud over the din of the cafeteria.

“Hey,” Ethan says as he slides into the seat next to Benji. At the lack of response, he glances over to where Benji is staring at and frowns. “You fought with Will or something?"

“I don’t know,” Benji says, his voice small and unsure. “I don’t know."

* * *

It’s not the first time they’ve ever fought - sometimes they take it too far with their ribbing as kids are wont to do, and there was a particularly explosive quarrel in fifth grade when Benji broke Will’s favourite figurine of Batman while snatching it from the other boy, which resulted in a week of ignoring each other until Benji bought him another figurine with his savings and superglue to fix the old one - but it’s the first time Benji doesn’t understand _why_.

He tries to talk to Will after that, but gives up when it becomes increasingly clear that Will no longer wants anything to do with him. Every attempt is rebuffed by Will’s outright avoidance, and Benji can recognise a lost cause when he sees one, so he doesn’t press, or tries not to press.

He’s mostly succeeding, but it’s hard to adjust when your best friend of almost a decade suddenly withdraws from your life without a single reason why, and Benji often finds himself turning around to talk to someone who isn’t there. Ethan’s awesome and all, but he’s not Will, and any inside jokes that Benji could make would be lost on him, which is a huge shame because Will would have laughed with him -

But Will’s part of the popular crowd now, and Benji’s not.

It also doesn’t help that every time he glances over at Will, he notices how sharper his features are, how fitter his body is, how toned his arms are. It must be all the archery, Benji thinks, right before he remembers that he shouldn’t be looking. Or maybe puberty.

It’s probably puberty, he thinks glumly. Trust William Brandt to get the better end of the deal.

It gets frustrating, seeing Will look past Benji as if Benji doesn’t exist, and never giving a reason why - so one day Benji follows Ethan to Martial Arts Club and tells Ethan he wants to try.

“Are you sure?” Ethan asks dubiously. The club’s captain (Luther, he’ll later find out as he watches him take Ethan down in ten seconds flat) seems to agree with the sentiment.

“Fucking sure,” Benji snaps, and regrets it immediately. “Look, I just want to be able to defend myself, okay?”

And Ethan can’t say anything to that, because that is exactly how they met in the first place. The taller boy turns to look at Luther, who makes a nonchalant sort of gesture.

“He wants to try, let him try,” Luther says. “Start with self defense first, maybe.”

He’s kind of shit at it, but Luther’s giving him an approving grin by the end of the day when he manages to launch himself at Ethan and take him down, so Benji starts coming by regularly. Robotics doesn’t hold much appeal for him anymore now that Jane’s gone, and on a good day he can stare at Ethan and pretend he’s observing how to fight better.

(Or pretend that he’s still firmly interested in Ethan, because lately his thoughts have been turning to another direction he’s not sure he wants to go to.)

On bad days he tries to punch out the punching bag and pretend he’s screaming at Will for being such a dick of a friend. He also tries to convince himself that it makes him feel better.

It doesn't.

* * *

A semester passes by.

He can hold his own in a fight against Ethan now, using his smaller frame to mostly dodge instead of attacking outright. (Or that’s what Ethan says, but Benji has the feeling that the other boy is mostly going easy on him.) He also finds out that Luther is also a fan of Star Trek, and while he might not be as enthusiastic as Benji is, they can hold a decent conversation outside of trying to throw each other to the floor.

(It’s almost good enough to fill in for Will’s absence, on a good day.)

It’s getting easier to not turn his head whenever Will walks into the room, easier to keep his head down when Will passes by with Declan and his posse. Will still doesn’t look at him in the face, and sometimes when Benji is feeling particularly spiteful he wonders if Will feels guilty, and imagines talking to Will face to face and forcing a confrontation.

That particular daydream doesn’t go anywhere though - it ends up a nightmare, with Will sneering and saying that he should have never been friends with Benji in the first place. Benji compensates by aggressively slamming his fist into the punching bag in the club room.

(Sometimes, when Benji passes by the archery range on his way to Martial Arts, he’d stop for a moment and look. Sometimes Will is there, nocking his arrow, and Benji watches him as he draws the bowstring back and lets the arrow fly.

He’s gone before Will could turn around and see him standing by the door.)

It’s a new sort of routine, one he has never imagined that he could have settled into but he does. He doesn’t know whether to feel glad, or just sad that someone he expected would be in his life forever would throw him to the side without a second thought.

He settles for trying not to feel anything at all.

* * *

In hindsight, he supposes that it was rather stupid of him.

Luther's been teaching him how to throw punches without actually hurting his hands after the one-to-one punching bag sessions become more frequent, but Benji knows that if he takes on Vinter and his lot it'll be practically suicidal. The jocks are built like a tank and packs the punch of one, and there's no way he could walk away without looking like a Pollock painting at the end of the fight.

But Benji’s also growing more and more frustrated with every day that Will pretends that Benji doesn’t exist. So when Vinter decides to pick on him again, shoving him into the row of metal lockers in the second-floor corridors, he kicks out at the back of the bully’s knees.

To his vicious satisfaction, Vinter goes down like a sack of potatoes.

The corridor immediately goes silent. Benji feels like he’s David and he’s just slung the stone that fell Goliath, except now that the adrenaline has worn off he’s realizing Goliath has two more friends who probably wouldn’t fall for the same trick. He can feel everyone looking at them, at him, to see whether Vinter would get back up to pummel Benji into a bloody spot on the ground, as he probably would.

Vinter does scramble back onto his feet, the other boy’s shock quickly morphing into humiliated anger. Benji gets ready to run, there’s a straight shot through the crowd, he can take it -

“You little - “ Vinter snarls; Benji twists to the side, avoiding the incoming fist -

The bell rings.

They stare at each other, Vinter and Benji, ready for a fight and flight. The spectators of the show begin to move again, rushing towards their respective classes, but its actors are far from done.

“You’re gonna die by three pm, Dunn,” Vinter finally says, jabbing a finger towards Benji.

It’s a death sentence.

He could say something cool, like _buy your own gravestone, Vinter_. Ethan probably would say that. Or he could just ignore Vinter, Will did before, saying in a quiet undertone to Benji that they’re not worth it. But he’s neither of them and he’s only Benji, so he forces the words out of his throat.

“You can try."

* * *

 “I’m going to die,” he moans into his lunch tray.

Ethan's looking mostly bemused, which later bleeds into concern when he starts hearing what exactly Benji got up to during the incident with Vinter. He felt cocky back then, when he actually managed to deal some damage after two years of being shoved around - but now all he can see is maybe his impending death at Vinter's hands. If he's lucky, he might get away with only a broken leg.

"You're not going to die," Ethan reassures him rather awkwardly. Let it be known that Ethan Hunt is unable to do feelings like a normal human being - he's either calm and cool as a cucumber, or intensely focused on whatever it is that holds his attention to an uncomfortable degree - and Benji's situation doesn't require either. 

It's these times Benji misses Will the most, the easy familiarity and rapport of his best friend. His crush on Ethan has all but subsided into a great deal of respect and the occasional exasperation when he's doing something ridiculous like stealing a Bunsen burner from the labs (not that Benji is any less guilty, having aided and abetted by causing a diversion). He's honestly relieved he can call the other boy a friend without wishing for more. But Will would know what to say to cheer him up, and promise to have his back throughout.

That's the thing, isn't it - Ethan might be cool, taking down bullies left and right - but Will was the one who Benji depended on, whether to stand by his side or to rescue him from lockers.

"I have a plan," Ethan tells him seriously and Benji turns his head to stare at the other boy. Ethan's plans are atrocious at best and life-endangering at worst, and Benji's nervous because he gets pulled along whether he wants to or not. 

"Let's hear it, then," he says anyway, because Benji knows how to pick his fights and this is one of those he'll probably never win.

* * *

When the school bell rings, Vinter and his cronies are loitering around the corridors, just waiting for Benji, as Ethan said they probably will be. He curses Ethan and his (mostly accurate) instincts when it comes to predicting people and he walks over to the window, staring at the tree.

It's a good tree. He never really cared about what kind of tree it is, other than knowing that it's leafy and green, but it's tall enough for the branches to be on the third floor's level. Ignoring his classmates' curious glances, he pulls the window open and estimates the distance between the nearest branch and the window sill, which honestly is a good jumping distance away. 

"Are you gonna commit suicide," someone asks him, sounding rather hopeful. The whole school has already heard about Benji and Vinter. There's probably a pool running on whether Benji would get off with a broken rib or several by now. Practically no one thinks that Benji would survive this afternoon, save for maybe Ethan.

He hears Vinter's laughter, echoing loud in the corridors.

"I might be," he says truthfully. Before he can find the time to have second thoughts, Benji climbs onto the window sill and jumps.

The wide trunk of the tree slams into his body as his foot finds thankfully solid purchase on the branch he landed on. He clings onto the rough surface of the bark for dear life, mostly thanking whoever’s out there or up there that he's still alive, that he didn't misstep and end up a bloody splat on the ground. Behind him, he can hear the other students gathering around the window to watch him, excitedly shouting for their friends to come watch.

He's going to kill Ethan. He should have just gone out to meet Vinter and accept his fate, and then died and come back to haunt Ethan. But first, he's going to survive this so that he can actually throttle Ethan with his own bare and living hands. _Luther might even help_ , he thinks grimly to himself. 

"Climb the tree, Benji," he says to himself, still not moving from the spot he has plastered himself to. "Go down to the second floor, Benji. I've done it before, Benji." 

And if Ethan can do it, so can I, he thinks bravely to himself, up until he looks down at the ground.

It looms up at him, brown and foreboding, and Benji feels a sense of _deja vu_ , where has he felt this before -

Eight and stuck up a tree with Will next to him, except that this time Will isn't here.

Shit. His hands feel clammier than he wants it to be, and he doesn't think he can move. It's the fucking worst time to discover he has a phobia of heights. The more he thinks about the ground the more he feels the vertigo, and -

"Dunn!"

He turns his head to look at Vinter, standing at the window.

"Trying to run away?" Vinter sneers at him, with the mocking laughter of his friends behind him. "Chicken." 

He's scared as hell, but his life literally cannot get any worse, so he says, ""I'm running from your stupidity, I'm scared it's contagious."

It's not his best comeback, but Vinter gets that Benji's insulting him. 

"Let's hope you can stay out there forever, Dunn," he says, smirking. "You're dead either way."

And he's right. Benji turns his head away, looking up instead - if he can't go down he'll go up and that's as good as going to the second floor. He grabs the nearest branch and hoists himself up, trying very hard to not think about either falling to the ground or Vinter climbing after him to push him to the ground.

He can't do this. He really can't do this. The branch he managed to move up to conveniently faces away from the window and he sits on it with his back to the trunk, breathing in heavily. If he stays in one spot, he's safe, and honestly he doesn't care if he's the laughingstock of the school for the next month or year, he just wants to survive.

"Benji," someone is shouting, and he turns to look at the window where Ethan is standing instead of Vinter. He doesn't know how much time has passed, maybe Vinter got bored and fucked off. "You're supposed to go down, not up!"

"I don't think I can, Ethan," he admits weakly.

"You just put your feet on that branch, Benji," Ethan says, jabbing his finger vigorously at several branches. "It's just three branches!"

"I'm fucking scared of heights!" Benji finally shouts back, and maybe Ethan's finally registering how pale Benji's face is, how tightly Benji is clinging onto the trunk for dear life because his eyes widen. "I can't - I can't move!"

"Shit," and Benji laughs, an ugly hopeless sound because yes, it is shit. His whole situation is shit. "Benji - Benji, I'll be back."

"Ethan?" Benji calls out when the other boy turns and hurries off into the crowd. "Ethan - god fucking dammit, Ethan!"

Ethan had better be getting the teacher, he thinks furiously. Or the fire brigade.

* * *

He doesn't know how long it's been. Teachers have come and gone, all trying to cajole or coerce him back into the school building, but after they realise that he's too scared to actually move anywhere, let alone climb back to safety, they go away. The fire brigade from the next town over would probably reach them in two hours' time, he overhears.

It's less exciting for the rest of the school once they figure out that Benji is not going to start performing acrobatic tricks in a tree, so the smarter of the cohort heads home after giving him one last glance. The rest are probably still betting if he'll fall off.

He doesn't know where Ethan has gone. He hasn't come back, either.

He's dozing when suddenly there's a commotion over by the building. He's too tired to see what it's all about, fear sapping away at his strength, so he just ignores them; at least until something thuds onto the tree. Benji bolts upright, turning around and expecting to see Vinter, ready to introduce Benji to the spectacular experience of falling down.

Instead, he sees Will.

He can't quite process it. Will, who had been avoiding him over the semester, who wouldn't give Benji a single glance, is in the same tree as Benji. 

"What are you doing here?" Benji asks, his tone harsh. He's almost pleased to see how Will winces.

"We need to talk," Will says instead. Benji wants to laugh. That's all he ever wanted since he came back from England and found his best friend missing from his life; but he's far too exhausted to do anything but sigh. He had imagined his confrontation with Will to be explosive, but now that Will is in front of him he's just too tired and too afraid that Will would go away again.

"I'm not going anywhere, as you can see," he says dryly, gesturing dismissively at their surroundings. His other hand is still clenched on the rough surface of the bark. "Go on."

"Could I," Will hesitates, and Benji waits patiently. "Could I move up there? I don't really want to stand."

Benji doesn't really want to move, but he really doesn't want Will to fall off either, so he wordlessly shifts until there is ample space for Will to clamber up using the trunk as a support. Will climbs up slowly, placing himself gingerly next to Benji, and it's almost like they are eight again, sitting side by side and stuck up in a tree together. 

"This is just like when we were eight," Will comments.

"Yes," Benji says shortly because he's not about to just overlook months of a cold shoulder treatment. "We're not eight anymore, though. Why are you here?"

Will presses his lips together, like he's gearing up to say something and Benji waits, because he knows Will. He knows that Will always chooses his words carefully when he can, and he knows that Will would mean them.

"I'm sorry," Will finally says. "I didn't want to hurt you, but I did."

Benji closes his eyes, contemplating.

"You did," he finally agrees, putting into words that feeling that has been crushing his heart in a vice grip every time he thinks of Will. "I want to know why."

"I thought," Will begins. "You and Ethan are always together, and," he gestures, a vague shapeless motion that Benji has no idea what it is supposed to represent. "I just. I didn't like it."

It's the vaguest sentence he has ever heard Will say. Will, who would write out every single step when he is showing his work for a maths problem, and who would describe every little detail of the experiments in Chemistry class, is essentially telling Benji that he doesn't like Benji and Ethan together. The other boy doesn't look at him, staring straight down at his dangling feet.

 _Don't think about feet_ , Benji reminds himself belatedly.

"You didn't like Ethan and me together," he repeats slowly, trying to make sense of Will's words. There's a link he's missing somewhere, some fact he overlooked. He thinks of Will's disgruntled face whenever he looks at Ethan, back when they were still sitting at the same lunch table.

"Will," Benji finally says, after thinking very hard and coming up short. "You'll always be my best friend, even if you are an asshole. Ethan can never change that."

It seems like it's the wrong thing to say, because Will's face scrunches up like he's trying to remember the difference between biennial and biannual, and the answer isn't coming immediately to him. Benji swallows down a sharp bolt of panic, instinct telling him he said the wrong thing, but what, what?

"Did Ethan send you?" he asks hurriedly, because Ethan would, wouldn't he? Maybe this was Ethan's idea of reconciling them, as preposterous as it may be; but Ethan couldn't know about Benji's fear of heights because Benji didn't either.

"He came to find me," Will admits, "and told me you climbed out to the tree to avoid Vinter, which is ridiculous - this is one of his plans, isn't it? You wouldn't go along with it otherwise, you're scared of heights for god's sake - "

Wait, what?

"How the fuck did you know I'm scared of heights?" Benji asks incredulously.

Will exhales, a little huff of breath that somehow clearly expresses his exasperation.

"When we were eight," he finally says.

"We got stuck up a tree, yes," Benji says impatiently.

"You just had to climb down one branch and jump, Benji," Will says. "We weren't stuck."

"What," Benji says intelligently. "I remember - the ground was bloody far from our feet - look, if you could have jumped down, why didn't you?"

And Will goes back to looking at his shoes. Benji wishes he could lean over and throw the white sneakers somewhere far away from Will, except he would probably die of panic before he leaned anywhere.

"You were scared," Will says quietly. "I didn't want to - I couldn't leave you."

Benji looks at Will. It feels like he's building a bridge that's missing a number of its planks, and as long as he finds them he can get back to understanding his best friend, and everything would be the same, again. It's all he wants at this moment, but it's looking less and less likely - with every plank he puts into place the far side is becoming different from how he remembers it.

Briefly, he wonders if he's ever known his best friend.

The siren of the fire brigade whines faintly in the distance, but Will doesn't make to get up. He's still sitting next to Benji, still looking at his stupid sneakers - but he's still here. If he wanted, Benji realises, if Will wanted, he could have just gone back into the building, and left Benji to wait alone. He could have gone home by now.

"Are you going to leave," Benji almost doesn’t ask. The circumstances seem tenuous, shaky as Benji feels on this god-forsaken branch. _Are you going to ignore me again_.

Will shakes his head, looking up at Benji.

"I won't," he says. "Promise."

* * *

Will stays until the fire brigade arrives, the silver ladder shining against the clear blue of the sky. He watches from the branches as the fireman lifts Benji down first, and Benji keeps his eyes on Will because if he looks away, Will might not be there anymore.

It's irrational, he knows. But when both of their feet are on the ground, and Benji’s parents are rushing over to give him the scolding and grounding of his life, he finds that he can breathe a little bit easier.

* * *

Things are back to normal.

Vinter backs off after Ethan and Luther decides to hang around Benji in a very obvious way, a plan of action that should have been carried out from the very beginning. He still glowers at Benji and makes chicken noises tauntingly whenever he's within hearing distance, but Benji can ignore him. Besides, the local rumour mill has somehow painted Benji as the winner of the skirmish so honestly, he isn't losing sleep over Vinter's ego.

He's also more preoccupied in the fact that Will is back and sitting at their table. The first few days he relishes the experience - they talk about comics and England and practically anything Benji has had wanted to say to Will ever since the school term began. Will seems to be receptive enough, falling back into their easy rhythm of banter, and Benji thought he couldn't be happier.

Then it gets weird.

He doesn't want to admit it, but something has changed, over the months that Will was silent. Will's holding back, he's hiding, but exactly what Benji can't decide. He had initially put it down to a readjustment period, but as the days stretch on he can see how Will chooses to stay quiet when he wants to say something. It honestly isn't any different from how Will decides what he wants to say and what he thinks is better off unsaid, but Benji's a little bit hurt to think that there are things Will would hold back from him when back then, he would have told him his honest opinion whether Benji liked it or not.

Then again, Benji's not about to call him out on it, when he's doing the same thing.

He's more mindful of what he says now, save for when he's nervous, but that's not quite exactly it either. No, it's more of how he wants to bump his shoulder into Will's when they're walking side by side, how he wants to reach out and curl his fingers around Will's hand and hold them, how he wants to lean in and -

And that's where he forces himself to stop wanting, because wanting any more would be painful. Even if he is gay, Will probably doesn't see him that way, and Benji doesn't want to alienate his best friend again.

At any rate, what Benji wants doesn't matter as long as Will is talking to him again, and Benji'll do anything to keep the peace.

Things, he insists to himself, are back to normal.

 


End file.
